I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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