I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
