Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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