You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
