Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
