the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
