is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
