I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
