mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
