Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
