My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
