mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
