There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
