i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
