I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
