Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
