Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
