i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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