I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I love having hate sex.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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