I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
