Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
