My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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