I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
