i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
dude. I can hear the air.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
