how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
