Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
