This is not my ceiling
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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