Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
