Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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