Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
