how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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