There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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