I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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