I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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