my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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