yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
