but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
