Me. At least after what I've been through.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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