Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
