We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
