I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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