If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
