there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
