im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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