She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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