Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
