so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
