I CAN MOONWALK!
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
