Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
