Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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