Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
