i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
