Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
