But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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