You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
