If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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